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When Spring Feels Grey

In my mind I know that it is spring. I know that the flowers are blooming, that the grass is a bright shade of Kelly green, that the trees are growing back their leaves, and that the earth is in its most vibrant state of life and colors. But I don’t seem to see it. I recognize these gardens full of pastel flowers, and I know that it must be beautiful, but I don’t feel that it is beautiful.

In the face of trauma it can be difficult to connect to beauty. It feels like you’re looking at beautiful things through a television or a picture. Sure, those trees are blooming in your favorite shade of purple, but it doesn’t feel like you’re there. You can reach out and touch the tree, but it doesn’t feel like your hands. It’s being stuck in a state of watching, as if your life is going on in front of you through a screen, and it has nothing to do with you. It’s a state of feeling completely and utterly alone, unable to connect to your surroundings that you know must be important to you.

Sometimes, it feels like we’re sinking further and further down into a murky lake, while the world gets less and less clear. Sinking further away from the things we love, the things we like, and even the things we hate. We feel like we’re drifting into nothing, and it’s terrifying. However, even though we feel so alone, we know that we must not be. I, myself, drift because reality feels too convoluted, confusing, and painful. But you can’t just drift from the bad things, you drift away from everything. I’m afraid of the reality I’m in, so the only way to save myself is to withdraw.

It’s ok to be depressed. It’s ok to withdraw. It’s ok to be frustrated, and to feel alone. But if you can’t convince yourself of anything else during the times, know that you’re not alone. We all walk around at the spring bloom festivals and see the weather changing, but how many of us feel the exact same distance from each other, even though we’re so close. Maybe we can’t connect to the beauty of spring, but we can connect to the beauty in each other at least a little bit. And that helps.

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